Myqueendom’s Weblog

As mentioned in the previous post, my name is Jess. I’m basically using this blog as some sort of outlet. Some place to release frustrations, anxieties, fears, hopes, dreams, ideas—just a place to vent all my thoughts on. It may be 1 word, 100 words, or 1000 words. There are so many things floating around in my head. I think the best thing for me is to put them some where and sort it out.

Anyway, a little more about me:

I was born in Boston. I lived in the city until I was in the third grade (well me my twin sister and my parents). And, somewhere during those first few years of my life, my father caught a windfall. So, we moved to a town less then 30 minutes south of Boston. The house was absolutely gorgeous dual staircases, 4 bedrooms, a family room, formal living room and formal dining room and eventually a finished basement. It’s kind of funny though, it seemed as though life in that house was short-lived–we moved out by the time I hit the 6th or 7th grade…..Now, I am starting to realize that I am just rambling on….so let me just stick to the shorter version. I basically grew up in the suburbs living that “good suburb life”, went to college, and that’s about it.

I am working now. But I am definitely not doing anything I really want to be doing.  When I look back on everything now, it all just seems like a complete blur. It’s kind of like I have a selective memory about my childhood and teenage years. People will ask if I remember certain times when we did this or went there–but I just don’t remember. 

I swear high school was just a blur….I don’t remember anything about it. It may be due to the fact that I didn’t participate in any school events, functions, or extracurricular activities. I went to school and went home. I wasn’t a slacker or anything, I averaged a high B when graduation crept up on me.  I just showed no interest.  It may be due to the fact that I am shy. The more I look back on it, the more I think it may also be due to the fact that I have a slight stutter. So, the fear of that coming out when I spoke made me sink even deeper into my shell.

College-Gosh, where do I start?? Ha ha. I must say that the first year was a pretty good year. But then again, Freshman year of college is usually one of the best years of your life. You’re out on your own (most of us anyway) and exploring the world. That first year was when I experienced my first alcoholic beverage, the first time I experience with drugs (marijuana–I realized it made me paranoid and never did it again), experience my first kiss (YES I was 19 years old), and my first love. All of it very exciting. But of course there were some lows. A small stretch of depression hit as I was trying to find out who I was and where I belonged.  My freshman year of college was the same year that attack on the United States occurred (9/11). I literally saw smoke from the Pentagon from my top floor dorm room window—that was pretty scary. Lastly, I experience a minor eating disorder/disordered eating issue. All these topics (and more) I am sure will be touched upon in some way throughout my blogs at some point

But as far as the rest of my college years…all a blur. I didn’t participate in any extracurricular activities. I just went to class, did my work, and hung out with friends. Now that I look back on it, I regret not being involved in high school and college. But you know what, there is no point in dwelling on what you did and didn’t do. 

That just makes me want to do more now. I have decided to make a bucket list. Things that I want to do before I hit a certain age. I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to find out who Jess is. What she’s made of, what she can do if she put her mind do it–despite all her fears. 

There are so many things that I have wanted to do and still want to do. But always let fear get to me. And I am starting to realize that’s no way to live.  My slight speech impediment has definitely increased my fears and prevented me from doing or saying something I really wanted or believed in. I want to dive deep into myself and just say everything that has been on my mind and just lay them out there. In sense, I want to strip everything down and get to the center of who Jess for me and the whole world to see. More than likely there days where my blog will deal anger, fear, and straight raw emotions. But, it’s something that has to be done.

Although don’t think you will ever find out everything about yourself (as you are learning new things everyday about yourself), I want this blog as an instrument on the path to find out who I am. And if I meet new people on the way, that would be great too.